I’d say I have played the part more than once. In some circumstances I’d rather not think, let alone talk about. Because honestly, it hurts that I could be that stupid.
But in Activism in particular, it hurt because I cared. I cared about the people, I cared and believed in the cause and sometimes the people. And when I figured out the truth about some of those people, the greed, the manipulation, the sheer dishonesty of some of those people..the actions. And then of course, sometimes infamously, the mad would happen. The Anger. In some cases disgust. Oh, how I hate being played. Especially if I feel like I should have seen it coming. And if I pull up those memories, I still feel the hurt, and the anger, and the frustration.
The problem was, I still cared about the cause. And sometimes I even still cared about the people, but I always walked away from them, the organization, the group, because well, I was done. Sometimes I tried to warn others, but sometimes not. Sometimes I just wanted to find a door… and distance ASAP because I was to be honest, creeped out, or felt like a line I didn’t want to cross. Like ever.
Then someone tells me, I’m an idealist and it all falls into place. I’m just an idiot. And I decided I needed a break from thinking about it “all” or rubbing elbows so that’s what’ I’ve done. Gone back to a “regular” life for a while and letting reality percolate through.
And man, has it. I’m glad that I did it. Took the break I mean. I needed the space and it gave me some perspective on how things, and people really work. And how I can maybe do it better.
The problem is Reality sucks.